Just recently I read that Bruce Willis has been diagnosed with aphasia. If you’re not familiar with this condition, the Mayo Clinic describes it as occurring "suddenly after a stroke or a head injury but can also come on gradually from a slow-growing brain tumor or a disease that causes progressive, permanent damage (degenerative)…” A person with aphasia struggles with making complete sentences, writing or speaking, the inability to follow conversations, and difficulty in finding the right words to use. This is terrible for anyone but especially for someone whose whole life has focused on speaking and acting. I feel for Bruce and anyone else with this condition.
When I saw this news and began to study the condition, one thought popped into my mind: What do you do when you can’t live, work, function, or exist like you’re accustomed to? How do you respond when you lose your identity?
Bruce Willis has been in the spotlight, but there are so many people who have based their identity on a position, career, or relationship and have had them suddenly taken away. Now what?
What do I do when my identity is taken away?
When I coach clients through these conversations, I help them process four movements.
First, grieve the past. You’ve lost something important. You’ve lost a piece of yourself; something has died. Grieve. You will not be the same person after the loss, and that’s okay. It’s an opportunity to rethink your identity and potentially create a new future. It’s certainly not time to curl up and quit.
Secondly, focus on the transferable. In my own journey, this was critical. I lost a great deal and had to do deep inner work asking myself what principles and actions can I transfer to something new? When I lost a dream career, I kept the focus on the fact that I love to teach, strategize, and help people succeed. So even while my position changed (and my identity was wrapped up in the position) I knew I could contribute to the things I loved to do the most. What’s this mean for you?
Third, who are the people you can serve? I talk with many people who have believed that once something has been lost, they can never do what they love to do again. It’s easy to say, “this job gives me my identity and an audience.” Maybe so, but if you transfer the principles of what you love to do, there is still a potentially huge audience out there. Here’s what I mean. I’m in a coaching group that is based around helping people shift careers. One woman in this group has retired from teaching and training other teachers. She was great at her job and was rewarded financially. Now she wants to approach the same work from the position of coach (principle transfer). On a recent call, she cheerfully said, “I get to do what I love to do with an audience that I would never have reached before!” Who are the new people who could benefit from what you love to do?
Finally, consider new habits to support your new identity. Most likely you were comfortable with the old lifestyle. You knew what to expect and how to respond. Since that identity no longer exists, you’ll want to develop new habits which will accelerate your new opportunities. Instead of going back to old places or re-living old experiences, make new memories and new opportunities.
It’s natural for people who attach their identity to a career, relationship, dream, or position. We all do it. And when it’s taken away, we struggle. But what if your identity is greater than the position? What if your identity comes from an internal place of mission and purpose? Then, you can go anywhere and do anything while having a massive impact.
What do you think about this? Share your comments.
If you are someone who’s struggling with the loss of identity, let’s get on a call and think about the ways you can take your next right step.